When a leader comes to us worried about two people on their team who aren’t getting on, the first question is almost always the same: should I step in? It’s a fair question, but learning how to handle conflict in a team starts somewhere else entirely. On our podcast, Biran put it simply – conflict is the top of the iceberg. There’s always a deeper reason underneath, and it might be something as ordinary as two people holding different values.
The disagreement you can see isn’t the one that matters
Biran talked through an example of a leader who came to her with exactly this dilemma: two team members in conflict, and the leader unsure whether to interrupt or intervene. Her response wasn’t to hand over a script. It was to work on the leader’s own curiosity – what does this situation actually require from you? That question matters more than any advice about what to say to the two people involved.
Mentoring gives an answer. Coaching builds the skill.
Biran was honest about the difference. If she were mentoring rather than coaching, she’d say the obvious things: talk to both people, understand their perspective, don’t judge, don’t rush to feedback. All true, and all useful. But coaching does something slightly different. It works on the leader’s capacity to stay curious under pressure, so that next time a conflict lands on their desk, they don’t need someone else’s script at all.
This is something we see often in the leaders we work with, and it connects to a pattern we’ve written about before in The Leadership Trap That Keeps You Stuck in Firefighting Mode. The instinct to step in and sort things out feels responsible, but it can quietly stop a team from developing the ability to work things through themselves.
What to try instead
Next time conflict shows up, resist the urge to address the argument on the surface. Ask each person what’s underneath it for them. Biran’s point about values is worth sitting with here too – a lot of friction between colleagues comes from what each person cares about and how that’s being stepped on, more than the task in front of them. We touched on this idea from another angle in When Your Values Work Against You, Not For You.
Curiosity takes longer than judgment. It also tends to get you somewhere more useful.
If you’ve got a conflict sitting in your team right now, try asking what it might be the tip of before you decide what to do about it.
Be sure to check out more from Biran at: Biran’s website and Biran’s LinkedIn.
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